I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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