so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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