Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
