I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
