he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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