Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
