R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My vagina just recognized that song.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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