I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
