I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize