My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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