Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
