You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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