Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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