I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
