Already got asked if we're dating
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
