I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
