We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
