You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
