So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
