I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Randomize