so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize