I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
