paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
