Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
