Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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