rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
