i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
well you can't waste a boner
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
