She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
