our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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