my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
