He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
