You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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