then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
