You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
