Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
