Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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