My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
