I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
