Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
