sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
