I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
