my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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