It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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