Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
