You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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