Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my poor anus
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
