My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
