I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
