If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
