I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
