How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
