why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
