Jerry, you need to find god
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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