Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
