Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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