just tell him i said nine months
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
