last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
